I just want to call someone and complain. I want to whine and bitch about how much my head hurts all the frickin time. About how it feels like its gonna explode with the pain ALL DAY LONG. ALL THE TIME. When I wake up, in the middle of the night, when I’m on the phone, when I’m driving, when I’m helping the kids with homework, when I’m trying so hard to listen to people, when Will is screaming at me. It is pounding and screaming back.
I never have a rest from it
I’ve been learning how to not listen to the pain. To sort of put it on the back burner. Its not ignoring it per se. I feel like I have to acknowledge it and accept it. There is something to not fearing it, but accepting the pain as just a part of me. Then putting it where it belongs. In the background. Its there, but not in charge. I’m still in charge. It affects me, and I work with it. But somehow thinking this way has lessened the daily pain dramatically for me.
But I need to have moments of rest. My mind has to rest. I need a dark quiet space to recharge. I can’t keep it up constantly. There are times when the pain is too much, or I overdo it, or a new wave hits that overwhelms me and it almost physically knocks me over. I get nauseous, hot, dizzy, my vision gets blurry, sometimes the lights start flickering. Always my mind goes fuzzy and I can’t think clearly or make conversation well anymore.
If I can rest for a while in a dark quiet space it really helps. When I have to keep being mom thru those bad periods its really tough, and they hit at all hours. So we all have learned our coping mechanisms for getting thru. Ian lets me know when I’m starting to yell, and they understand now when mama’s head hurts and I need them to be extra good.
I find myself explaining my coping mechanisms today when I feel like I’ve reached the end of mine. I just feel so tired. And not the kind of tired that sleep can solve. The pain lingers even in sleep. I guess today I pray for peace.
I always loved the verse in Phil 4:7 “present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Before and after that verse it talks about not being anxious about things, but find joy in the Lord and your life, and to think on what is good and lovely.
And the God of Peace will be with you